Open Letter to Afil

This is an open letter to A.F.I.L.

This is an open letter to all friends I’ve lost.

This is an open letter to friends who’ve grown apart, who’ve blocked me for whatever reason, who’ve distanced themselves for whatever reason, or who I’ve left for whatever reason.

To make life simple & not blow up anyone’s spot, I will be referring to everyone as an imaginary fusion of souls, referred to as Afil Pemberton.

My dear Afil Pemberton,

I can’t count on my fingers how many times a day I think of you. I smile as I remember the laughs we shared, the numerous inside jokes we came up with throughout high school, the way your nose was the most symmetrical masterpiece I’ve seen. I get a twinkle in my eye when I recall the way you smelled when we hugged, the way you scrunched your nose when we shared our laughs, and the fact that you hated being photographed but were one of the most photogenic beings I’ve ever seen. I get teary-eyed when I remember how we used to paint each other’s nails and go on weekly adventures. Or, how we would strive to create magic personal art together and freak out about our future careers as we ate Korean black bean noodles.

I miss how we’d talk about all the things we’d do together & I get sad when I realize that we’ll probably never do any of those things now. It’s weird to say that I’m only just now realizing how important all of the little things were. Who ever thought I’d miss yelling “garbage” for no reason as a 27-year-old? Who ever thought I’d miss being called weird by someone imitating the lovechild of Squidward & SpongeBob?

It sounds extremely cheesy but every time a different piece of you left my life, it chipped away at the way I view myself and my social relationships. I mean, when somebody so good (whether initially perceived or still perceived as good) departs from your life, what else are you left to ponder? It's like your mind has no choice but to wonder if itself is the problem. It has no choice but to hypothesize that any future friendships end in grief. It defaults to solitude and thoughts of mistrust of itself. You suddenly feel that you are incapable of having full friendships; you fear it will all result in the same sensation of longing that you're currently feeling. You inevitably end up cocooning yourself from the world. It's like you're there but not really. You're a phantom coasting through life with nobody to talk to. You're a shell of yourself who fears things will always have to stay this way. You hide in your corner and subtly push anyone trying to connect away.

And, then it hits you. You have placed yourself in a loop of loneliness.

Afil, I share this with you because I miss the deep talks we used to have about the human experience. I share this with you not to blame you but to give you a heads up that it's normal to feel this wackness. 9 out of 10 times, you feel this as an unknown undercurrent until it all hits you like a ton of bricks. And, boy, when it does.... When this epiphany hits you, you feel everything everywhere all at once. It's a feeling straight out of a movie. It's that realization that reminds you that you're 100% in control and can change your surroundings at any time. Whenever you make it to this point, you blossom. You start feeling thankful. You feel grateful for every single failed relationship and friendship. You rediscover that the meaning in all these lost social circles live in your reflection. You realize you're a cacophony of beautiful relationships and experiences.

So, I thank you Afil. I thank every single damn part of you. You made me feel alive at all extremes and you've altered me in so many peculiar, huge, yet minute ways. You've helped me be practical and pick a career that brings the big bucks and the good feels. You've helped me love and appreciate my family so much. Not everyone gets to have a cool cousin to eat at trendy Korean spots like I do. I've learned how much of a blessing that is. Thanks for helping me see that. Seriously, thank you for enlightening me in so many ways.

You've helped me be more confident in myself and wear literally whatever I want. You've helped me be more childlike because YOLO carajo. You've helped me remember that I'm allowed to have multiple passions and pursue the heck out of both of them. You've helped me see that change is healthy and normal and EXCITING. You've helped me advocate more for myself & you've especially helped me see the warning signs of a connection that's meant to be left behind. You've also helped bring to light my own icky stuff. I'm trying my best to fix those.

To be perfectly blunt, I wouldn't even be writing this if my therapist didn't suggest I talk about my struggles more.

I figured I'd start with you first. It's an easy money start. I like it simple, YA TU SABES!

It's still a start. A good one. So is the random conversation I inserted myself in at this new coffee shop I visited. I met and spoke to the nicest damn artist/business owner EVER. And I might be doing spoken word at the end of the month? Yeah, I was shocked I even asked about the events. But I advocated for myself and my passions, just like you taught me. I'm hecking proud of myself. I hope you're proud of yourself too. I hope you're past the icky dark parts and living life to the fullest like I remember you doing. I'm sending you infinite positive vibes.

Aight. Peace be with you, Afil Pemberton.

XOXO,

Kayci Rose